When I was young, I never could see myself in a future sense; meaning, I never saw a career for myself.  Though I racked my brain trying different jobs and an endless pursuit of trying to figure out who I was and what I wanted to do, I never quite figured it out.  I guess now I know why since I used to be crazy; I say ,”used to be” because I realized on my own I was crazy; although, I do not like using the word crazy, but I am just trying to make my point as simple as possible.

As I mentioned in an earlier entry, I realized I had a mental illness while watching the movie, A Beautiful Mind.  So, am I sane now?  Well, I believe I was actually cured the day I figured out I was probably a Paranoid Schizophrenic, because once you figure it out on your own you become self-aware.  I mean, that did not stop the hallucinations, the delusions, and the paranoia, but I realized they were a part of me.  I think most people who have mental illness do not realize they have it; maybe I am wrong, but I believe I am correct on this subject, as I have first hand experience.

I am not saying I am special because I figured out I had a mental illness or anything like that; I am telling you what I believe to be true.  Maybe I am not a worst-case-scenario because I take my medication every day and night; I know I am suppose to take it because of my mental illness.  I admit I do not like taking my medication, because I feel like I lost a part of me that I will never get back; however, I know my medication is for the greater good of my well being.  Despite being on sleep medication, I find I still do not sleep well on most nights.  I can tell you that as I sit here and write this, I am close to exhaustion.  Despite being on medication, it can not stop the weird and very paranoid dreams I have.

I believe I do not reach my REM cycle (if it is still called that) until late morning, albeit I am a night owl.  I would much rather stay up late and sleep in, but sometimes I have things to do; being married to a children’s pastor, I never know when my wife might call on me, so I need to be as ready as possible when she does.  I would also like to reiterate how deeply disturbing some of my dreams are: from heart breaking to horrifying.  Perhaps I simply do not want to go to sleep because of what I may see or experience; you probably know intense dreams are hard to forget, so sometimes it stays with you for a while, and maybe until the day you die.

I also find it fascinating some of the dreams I have: am I in the fifth dimension, am I dreaming with someone else, am I seeing my future or someones past?  I know these questions would probably lead to more questions, and I am okay with that; I know whatever happens Jesus has my back and my front, but do you believe our dreams can make us mentally and spiritually stronger, or crazier, or both?  You don’t have to answer that; I am sure you have your own questions.  By the way, I know sleep is a common issue among many of you, so I hope this entry does not freak you out too bad.  Again, welcome to the mind of a paranoid schizophrenic.  Thanks for reading this entry!  Have a great day!

Take care and God bless!

Chris