If there are a couple of things I have learned in life, it is that things change, and people change; sometimes for the better, and sometimes for the worst.  What can one do?  Is it not adapt or die?  I feel so misunderstood sometimes, and maybe it is because I do not contribute much to society.  I have not worked since 2006; I like to call it an early retirement, but the fact is I miss earning money for myself.  Sure, I am on disability, but I can never talk about my day because the conversation only last about five seconds.  I listen and watch people carrying on conversations, and they look so content doing it, but that is something I can not relate to and it is very sad.  The truth is, I am on the outside looking in, and people probably wonder why I do not like to go out anymore.  No one wants to talk to me, and those that do usually ask me how I am doing, and I tell them I am doing fine; the fact is I am not fine, and especially when I see someone once in a while and they shake my hand one time, and act like I do not exist the next.  It really makes me feel inadequate when people are not consistent toward me, and it happens often.  Maybe I rub people the wrong way without even saying anything; maybe it is my tattoos and people think I am destined to go to hell; well, I have news for you: I am not going to hell.  I do not care if I have a mansion in heaven either; it could be a tent, and I will be happy inside the pearly gates.  I also feel people do not understand I do not like being around crowds; I do not even like parties anymore because I just sit there staring down while people around me have casual conversations.  It is like people think I do not need human interaction when I believe every one needs it.  Maybe people think I am stupid because I am so quiet; another truth is I hate small talk, and yes, there is a slight possibility I do not like people, however people have not given me much reason to like them.  I have found that most people treat me as an outcast, and that is okay, yet it is not okay.  In an earlier entry I said I did not care if people judged me or look down their noses at me, and why should I?  There is nothing I can say or do at this juncture in my life to make them feel otherwise.  Let me tell you something about my mental illness people; it makes me lose interest in things I once enjoyed.  I used to love to socialize especially when I worked, because I had something to talk about.  I would love to go back to work as long as it is not manual labor; I have done manual labor all my life with not much to show for it.  It would definitely have to be a desk job, but understand no one in their right mind would hire me with my work history.  I do not think this is what you want to hear: failure, after failure, after failure.  I guess I am trying to say be kind to people because you never know what may be ailing them.  I hope I did not offend anyone in writing this, but it had to be written; I could not sleep because this was weighing heavy on my heart.  You may blame me for the things I do not do, for the things I am not involved in, but I am telling you now it is not my fault.  Sorry, I am not sorry for who I am.  Is there anyone out there?  Does anyone care?  Rant over!

Take Care and God bless!

Chris