I often contemplate the future and what it may hold for Crystal and me.  I also contemplate death; I suppose that happens when one grows older.  I am not afraid of the future or death, but I kind of fear the unknown; hmm, maybe I do fear the future.  With every thing I have been through, it seems I may never rise above the status-quo.  I am not even sure what the status-quo is any more.  Truth be known, I feel ill-prepared for the future because I have seen myself moving backwards inside my circle; there are a lot of changes coming, and I will have to be involved.  I think I am up for the challenge, but if I fail that means I fail Crystal as well, and that is the last thing I want.  If I fail God, I believe He will understand better than any one.

Perhaps I just need to have more faith, but I am also worried my depression is making an ugly comeback, and that scares me more than any thing.  I wish I could be more like my wife because she is fearless; she puts herself out there for God, but I find myself doubting whether or not I even have what it takes.  What if I do not have what it takes?  That will not be good for our marriage.  I already feel I have lost her a little, and I believe it is because it is so hard for me to keep up with her and every one else in our little circle.  I guess I feel kind of locked within myself, and I have lost the key; but if anyone can unlock me it is Jesus.  What if I do not want to be unlocked because it is too painful?

It was not terribly long ago I was in UNC Hospital with suicidal thoughts; I was held for 36 hours before I was released after telling the doctor the thoughts had subsided, and I was going to see my doctor once I was out; that is what I did.  I was not lying to the UNC doctor; the thoughts had subsided, but the truth is those thoughts are always lingering, but they are not bad enough to land me back in the hospital.  I remember at UNC hospital they took my clothes and put me in a gown, so when it came time to leave, they had to find some pants for me to wear.  So, there I was walking to the car in a gown and pajama pants and a jacket draped over me like I was Kim Kardashian.

I would say to have the thoughts I have with my mental illness is probably pretty normal.  It is hard not to have these thoughts when your brain paints a picture of catastrophic events in your imagination, and they are very vivid; it is like having a dream while you are awake.  I am not talking about day-dreaming either; I am talking about visuals that demand the attention of the mind even with sound effects.  It looks and feels real when it happens; traumatized by something that did not take place.  I do not know that hollywood does paranoid schizophrenia justice; I think it is mostly pyschobabble.

The thing is, I know there are people out there who can relate to my circumstances.  All I can say and do is keep pressing toward the mark, being God’s will.  If you do not believe in God, I say do whatever works for you.  Are we not bound to get something right eventually?  If depression is getting the better of you, try talking to someone; to me, that is the best thing you can do when the thoughts become over-powering.  If you are having suicidal thoughts, tell someone or go to a hospital.  The main thing is that we keep striving for the greater good, and in turn, we strive for ourselves as well.  By the way, I am sure I will be talking to my wife after she reads this.

Take care and God bless!

Chris