Do you struggle with your weight?  I know I do. I miss the days when I was skinny, and I was an avid runner.  Right now, I am extremely over-weight; however, I am over six feet tall and have broad shoulders, so I wear the weight well.  Still, I am not happy being obese; it makes life more difficult: my back hurts, my knees hurt, and so on and so forth.  Well, my bull riding days have contributed to my back and knees hurting, but the weight definitely does not help.  When I look in the mirror, I do not like what I see; then again, I try to avoid looking in the mirror because it is depressing, yet it also inspires me to lose weight at the same time.

Here is the kicker: about a year and a half ago, I lost close to 70 pounds.  I was seeing a nutritionist, and with her and my wife’s help, I had the motivation to walk and to eat less and healthier.  Eventually, I put the weight back on and then some, so though it was a good way to lose weight, it just did not work for me.  So, now, I am eating pretty much what I want, and due to weather conditions, I have not been able to walk according to my needs.  It rains every other day, and it has been cold and windy as of late, and I am not trying to get sick.

I used to have a membership at Planet Fitness, but I did not like it; judgement free zone my butt!  Once I was on the treadmill walking, and this woman walked by, and I watched her walk by because I was bored, and I was not checking her out either.  Right about that time I heard the lunk alarm go off, and then it hit me: they sounded the alarm because of me, and I was just like, “Whatever.”  Another time I was in the same spot walking on the treadmill, and three guys kept looking at me; so much in fact, it made me very paranoid, so I stopped walking, and I went out to the car to wait for my wife.  After that, I never went back to Planet Fitness.

Another time I was at Planet Fitness, I was on the treadmill, and I was eight minutes into my workout routine of thirty minutes; I was so hungry!  I was more hungry than I can ever remember being, so I left Planet Fitness and went straight to McDonald’s and ordered a large number 3; for those of you who may not know, that is a double quarter-pounder and a large fry and large drink.  It was so good; I did not regret doing it one bit.  I did not even eat fast food often at all, but for some reason I had to have it that particular day at that particular time.

I am thinking maybe my medication plays a role in my weight as well, but what I am supposed to do?  Stopping my medication is not really what I want to do at this juncture in my life, even though it is probably killing me.  I take 20mg of Abilify, 50 to 150mg of Trazadone to help me sleep, and 1mg of Xanax to help me sleep.  I used to take 30mg of Mirtazipine when I had panic attacks, but I talked my doctor out of having to take it.  When I was being treated at UNC Hospital, my doctor put me on Seroquel, and I gained 30 pounds in the first month.  It is a never-ending nightmare that I may have to deal with until the day I die.

It makes me wonder what it will take for me to want to get skinny again without being sick or terminally ill.  During my senior year in high school, a cafeteria worker had hepatitis, so everyone who had eaten in the cafeteria on certain days and hours had to get hemoglobin shots.  When my time came to get the shots, I had to get two because of my weight.  On top of that, the nurse really jabbed me good with the first needle because I got a little fresh with her, and I pulled my pants down a tad too far; yes it was painful, but I deserved it.  You know, I was a teenage boy who did not know what he was getting himself into.  Anyway, after that experience, I lost weight after I started exercising, and I went from 233 pounds to 170 pounds, and I kept the weight off for about fifteen years.

I think my biggest problem is the foods I love to eat; I mean, I am Italian, therefore I love pizza, bread, pasta, and I especially love sweets.  Let us face facts here: that is not a good diet for someone trying to lose weight, but am I really trying that hard?  I try my best to avoid these foods, but they just seem to always rear their ugly heads and the temptation gets me.  Perhaps I am eating my feelings, since I am pretty much void of emotion; unless I am watching a sad movie, and even then there is usually a snack to make me feel happier.

Perhaps I will start to lose weight after writing this entry; I do not know.  What I know is that I need the right motivation to help me eat better and to exercise more.  Maybe I will never be skinny again since my back and knees are shot, but I can always lose some weight and be healthier than I am now.  I know I am not alone in this fight; I know many of you out there are battling obesity, but if you are happy with the way you look, and you are confident in who you are, then I say rock it!  I plan on rocking it, just not yet.  I have already had to up the sizes in my shirts and pants so I do not feel like I am on display.  I keep telling my wife I am going to lose weight one day, and I believe I will; until that day comes, I will have to find bigger sizes that will actually fit me.

Take care and God bless!

Chris