Ever feel as if you are invisible, and especially when the crap hits the fan? This is how I have felt most of my life. I am not blaming no one or any situation. All the Christmas gatherings where I would sit in the corner, and basically, I would not talk to anyone; I was alone with my paranoid thoughts. Perhaps it is my fault, or maybe I do not like small talk; I can admit I have always enjoyed deep conversation most of the time. Sometimes I am more involved at a gathering when a board or card game is being played; I am talking about UNO rather than poker, yet I have played poker in the past.

It can be very awkward when you are sitting at a table with friends or standing in a circle, and I might blurt out something stupid and every one kind of ignores it. If you know me, you know I do not talk much, and it is because I can say stupid things, and it is embarrassing, so that sends me into my shell even more for present and future conversations. With all of this being said, is it any wonder I feel invisible most of the time; it is very frustrating for me as someone who does not do well with stress. Sure, I can make a split decision in the heat of the moment or when the fit hits the shan, but it seems I never get that chance for whatever reason. I can be present, but ignored or thought not to be intelligent enough to have a say.

All I can do is pray and ask Jesus to help me grow into a good conversationalist. Then I have to pray that my paranoid thoughts will not push me into the corner like it did for so many years, and even now that I am medicated for my mental illness. You can ignore me and pretend I am not there; that is fine because one day you will hear me ROAR!!!

Take care and God bless,

Chris