I do not pretend to know or understand what someone has been through or is going through; especially when one shows signs of emotional distress. I only know my story and what I have been through, but some of it still does not make sense to me. What I do know is I was in a dark place for a long time, but I tried to keep it to myself. I did not think I needed help, or I did not want to go through the hassle of getting help. I just wanted to wallow in my own misery, so I did and regardless of how that affected my relationships, I drove a wedge between family and friends. I used to say I love living but I hate my life; pretty sad huh? What can you do when you feel trapped in a life you hate?

I turned to drugs and alcohol, and it opened up a new world; a false and senseless world nonetheless, but it was something different. I felt like I gave my heart to Jesus and then we drifted apart somehow. I was rebelling against the world and thought I was not rebelling against God; however, I believe the two go hand in hand now. Perhaps my rebellious nature was a cry for help, yet when opportunities for help would arise I would talk myself and the person trying to help into believing I did not really need help. I kept on partying while convinced the world would never understand me and asking God why I hated my life.

Eventually the drugs and alcohol did not work anymore and depression took over my psyche; I used to get drunk and call a friend of mine crying and telling them I wanted to commit suicide, and fortunately they were able to talk me down. This happened three or four times and eventually I ruined that friendship because the only time I called was when I was suicidal. That friend had their life together, and I was just the opposite. I still refused to get myself help.

I learned eventually to just embrace my dark side. Yes, as you probably know I did get help when I was diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia, and that was like having the weight of the world lifted off my shoulders; however, it did not end all of my problems. That dark place still lingers in the back of my mind, but rarely rears its ugly head, and I am sure it is because of my medication. Plus, I am not rebelling anymore; I have Jesus in my life who is front and center.

Crystal would not hesitate to take me to a hospital if I ever slightly hinted I had even a miniscule thought of suicide enter my mind, and I love her for that. I have a light place too; it is called the Holy Spirit. I am going to church and helping lead worship and supporting my wife the best way I know how. I love living and I love my life! For those of you who can not say that I pray for you, and I pray that somehow and some way help finds you whether you want it or not; remember God is pursuing you even if you are rebelling.

I love you all!

Take care and God bless!

Chris