Lately I have found myself reflecting back on my life, and it is for one reason and one reason only: it is time to reevaluate my past to see where I went wrong. Perhaps at 52 years of age, that is a tall order; maybe even impossible. Sometimes I wonder if strangers got in my way of what God’s plan was for me.

There was a television show on that had a preacher that used to talk and preach some, and this preacher would answer incoming calls on air. One morning I decided to call and talk to this guy. I called and told the preacher that I wanted to be a pastor, and so he asked me why, and I told him I felt called by the Almighty Himself, and the preacher said I don’t think so. Well, after he said I was not to be a pastor he talked me into donating a small amount of money each month, but to be honest I never sent the money in because I could not afford it, and I was a little perturbed with this man.

What if this preacher was just a speedbump in the road leading to my destiny, or what if he was right? I never pursued being a pastor in order to preach the gospel. Perhaps that TV preacher left a bad impression on me to this day. Again, maybe he ruined my life, or maybe he saved it , but from what? What reason did I have to go on happy when I felt like I was not up to God’s standards.

The only person I have told this to is my wife, and now to all of you that I felt I was being called to be a pastor at eighteen years of age. Is this where my life went wrong? Sure, you get knocked down but then dust yourself off and get up again; however, after I had been knocked down so many times, I was going through the formality of getting up and just waiting to say, “Thank you sir! May I have another?” Hey, this is not a movie but was a comedy of errors where there was no reward at the end of enduring pain except going to heaven. How long will that take, I wonder.

Do any of you ever consider why I am a paranoid schizophrenic? Some say my mental illness is hereditary, and others say it is because of a traumatic event that occurred; maybe it is both, but the truth is I believe I have a mental illness just by some of the looks I get from my wife’s colleagues, and you can see in there eyes that some of them are just like the preacher on TV who took it upon himself to turn me away from the Lord. What can I say or do except ask myself in a British voice. “Would you like some more?” I will answer yes every time to support my wife and her call. I would like to say that some of you get me, and I appreciate that because of course, I am not the only one to ever be used as a door mat.

I am thinking of a Chris LeDoux song where he sings ,”Don’t you know I’m not really a bum I was once a clean-cut Mothers son, and you know down deep inside I still am.” This is who I am people! What you see on the outside of me is the shield I have developed over the years which is difficult to get through.

I do not believe in living in the past, but I do believe it is rather important to understand where we came from and to be able to complain about it from time to time, because it helps me relearn things that I perhaps have forgotten. Where I went wrong seems improbable to convey in my head, and also those of you who have blinders on to certain people, perhaps I could borrow them, as I usually am looking from a panoramic view, but I say this with the upmost humility.

Take care and God bless!

Chris